Conscious of the Cruelty of the Calendar

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We reached the one year mark since our journey with ALL Leukemia and a subsequent Bone Marrow Transplant for my husband, Keith, began. The yearly reminders I typically receive on Facebook are generally good ones, but the past week has left me shaken. It is a strange feeling, reading the posts about this horrible time, continually reminding myself we got Keith back, he fought it and won. Yet, my heart and mind are filled with grueling memories, fear, anxiety, and worry for our future. 

I would never wish to minimize the suffering and ordeal the last year has been for my husband. And yet this year has literally been the worse year of my life. I feel like I have lost myself in many ways. I have been plagued by anxiety and depression, like never before in my life. I went from working my dream job as an adjunct at a University, a Mom, and a wife that was so happy with her present life. Now, I went back to my old job in communications, which I am incredibly grateful for, but not exactly where I want to be. The Pandemic has caused even more concern for my family with Keith's recovery, our own health, and the safety of our son. Mentally I've broken down multiple times, I've been plagued by panic attacks, anxiety, and depression. I fell apart, I drank a bit too much at times, and made some other poor decisions. 

Thinking about certain moments breaks my heart all over again now. Certain moments in my present break me down. Rather than being grateful for having more time as a family, I become filled with despair and anger of what we went through and how poorly I have handled things. I am so angry that this happened to us, I am so afraid it will recur and retake my everything, and I am so incredibly tired of the worry. I feel like the same way I felt on day two. After Keith spent the first night in the hospital, and I walked into his hospital room. He was laying in that giant hospital bed looking so small, and I put my stuff down and just laid down next to him, he held me, and I just sobbed; and that is how I feel right now. I am just incredibly filled to the brim with anxiety for our future and desperate to move past this. 

So, that's what I am working on right now... 

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