Making My Own Decisions

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 Growing up, I could have been a better decision-maker. I tended to go with the flow and complained if I didn't like the options. I met my husband at the end of my final year of undergraduate studies, and we became a team and made all our decisions for the next fifteen years together. I mean literally every decision. We had a rule that if it was over $100, we would also discuss purchases; it worked well and took the pressure off of him and me by doing it together. My last big buy without him present ended up in a telephone call to buy an Oculus for our son. I got the impulse to buy one at the store; they were on sale, and I secretly called Keith while Liam played with something. We discussed the pros and cons and whether or not I thought it would have any actual longevity as a purchase; I naturally thought yes, so Keith and I agreed, and I told Liam, and we bought it. 

My desktop at the moment, smiles and memories.
Now, I'm the sole adult in this family, parenting and doing everything alone, using my wit and thought processes. It's scary, to say the least. I have never in my life had to be the decision maker. I always had Keith's sage advice, and when I wanted the domineering one to just say no because we weren't sure. I am, truthfully, terrified of messing up so big that Liam and I lose everything. Keith left us enough; God bless that man, to be secure if I play my cards right. I have a full-time job now, but there is still this nagging insecurity that I'm a minute away from blowing all up. 

The point of all this rambling is that I'm deciding whether to finish my Ph.D. I love to write, read, and do all the things entailed in schoolwork (I know, I'm a super nerd). I have a mere four classes left before I start my dissertation, and I am stoked about the topic I have been working on. However, I'm also now the sole adult in the household, working full-time; I have my own mental health struggles, I am grieving (probably forever), and I have a beautifully blossoming son that I do not want to neglect. I know people do it and do so while working, but I don't know if I'm capable of achieving such things in this chapter of my life. My friend said that playing the what-if game will get me nowhere, and I quite agree, but I have to weigh the possibilities before committing to something so huge. Don't I? 

Honestly, I just need some advice. 


Location: Ohio, USA

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