Widow

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Even now, just over four months in, the word widow seems foreign. The first time I used it to describe myself, I cried on the phone to a stranger at the VA. Keith was a central part of my world, and now that world seems smaller and less grand. That world was unbearable in those first few days, but in time, I have learned to manage and carry that pain with me. 

Amy & Keith
The first days were some of the most challenging days of my life. Without Keith in the world, I could not focus, eat, or understand what was happening and how it was happening. Planning his funeral was one of the worst days. I could not wrap my mind around what I was doing and why. I could not bring myself to the realization that this was happening to us. And still, all I could worry about was Liam and how this affected him. 

Now it seems like everyone I know affected by his death is getting back to "normalcy," and we are still back at the beginning, trying to figure it all out. It is strange to suddenly change direction in life. I had been with Keith since I graduated college; he was there with me through all my major life events, and now I'm here alone, a single mother trying to grasp how to do this on my own, how to take care of my family and just survive. All things considered, we're doing well. Keith left enough for us to get our feet planted, and now it's just figuring out how to wade through the tidal waves of grief. 

Liam has been attending a bereavement class at school, and I have been attending Grief Share at church. We are coping well now. It was touch and go, especially in February, but I think I'm leaning toward God more now, which is helping. Liam is talking to me more about things, and we seem okay. But, as it is with me, I am constantly worried I'm missing the ball somewhere, especially as a Mother. I try my best, and that's all I can do now. It's tough, this new life, it really sucks at times. If you're traveling this unknown world of widowhood, as I am, a lesson I've learned of late is to give yourself a bit of grace. It is hard, and it does suck. 

If you stayed with me to the end, I appreciate you. Thanks for listening to my rambles. 

Location: Ohio, USA

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